My work as a stay at home mother often feels invisible. As if there's nothing to show for it at the end of the day. Everyone being alive, clothed and fed doesn't seem good enough. What did I do? Where's the finished product? How did two hours go by with seemingly so little getting accomplished?
When I go to my outside of the home job (part-time), there are numbers to show for my productivity. The number of reviews I completed in an eight hour day. The amount of time I spent on each. A clear outcome on each case, whether it was approved or denied. As I complete each one, I can check it off my list.
But on the days I wear my stay at home mom cap, there's a lot of gray area. What was the outcome of that tantrum? Did I handle that well? Have I damaged my kid and his first memory will be of me yelling after a very long morning? Is it enough that we just barely survived the day alive, clothed and fed? Where's my outcome? Where's my thank you email from my superior saying, "Hey, Terri, thanks for going the extra mile this morning and sticking your guns on getting the toddler to brush her teeth."
Normally I go through my day like a clucking mama hen. Your T-shirt is on backwards. Please hand me the spoon (instead of throwing it across the dining room). Where did I put the grocery list? Please get a pair of socks on. Familiar? You've read a thousand similar blogs.
But instead of hurdling at velocity speed through the day and collapsing at 9:21 pm on the couch after a very prolonged two hour bedtime routine, I have become an astute observer of my life. Usually all I can manage is zoning out by scrolling mindlessly through Facebook or a TV show, but I've been working on stepping out of my emotions and the drama of the day to really notice what's going on.
One morning I forced myself to really observe myself and my children while I did the dishes after breakfast instead of letting my mind run wild with all the things that had to be done for the day. I became mindful. I counted the interruptions. There were 7 interruption from my tiny people.
Also, at one point my 17 month old was hanging on my leg. At another point she bumped her chin and was crying. I still had not eaten breakfast and it was 10 am. Dishes take an exorbitantly longer amount of time when you are interrupted 7 plus times. I simply noticed this and gave myself some grace. No wonder it feels like I have nothing to show for my day because it took over 2 hours to clean the kitchen, all the while I was attending to my children's needs and then it was time to start lunch and begin the madness all over again. A task that should be simple becomes a mountain.
It would be easy to see the outcome as, "I got the dishes done" if I view it the same way I look at my outside the home job since dishes are the only tangible completed task. However, I soothed my toddler. I redirected my four year old, multiple times. I assisted each with tasks they aren't able to complete independently. I was in constant mental tasking- prioritizing, assessing, processing, evaluating, all so to meet everyone's needs the best I could and keep the home functioning and operating.
No one really sees all this underground work. My little people don't because they're just little, and it's their job to simply be kids.
I don't have anyone to vent to other than the occasional text to another mom, phone barely grasped in my slippery dish soapy hands. However, that's not the same as venting to a colleague for a few minutes in person in the cubicle next door to yours who is in immediate reach and can instantly provide empathy with you since they're in the same boat. A stay at home mom is a lone wolf. There's a lot of talk about tribes. But we're not set up in a culture that's conducive to tribe living. Unless you happen to be lucky enough to live next door to another stay at home mom and can share a mimosa in the backyard morning sun in between temper tantrums.
There's a mental stamina needed in those who stay home with their children. Some days I am baffled as to why it feels so hard. I'm "just" home with my kids. However, when I force myself to step back and observe, I see how mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting it is to stay home as a caregiver to kids. Mentally, the planning, organizing, strategizing, vigilance, and brainstorming solutions. Emotionally being both a nurturer and a sounding board for the wide range of emotions seen in an immature and still developing brain. Physically there's the lifting, running, protecting, and maintaining safety during temper tantrums.
I see you lone wolf mother. You're not alone. Your work is often invisible but I know all that you do. This blog only touches one percent of it.
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