I'm not the same person I was ten years ago. My core self is the same, but many of the outward aspects are different such as my likes and dislikes, how I spend my time, what I think about, how I relate to others, how I handle stress, and what I wear. I once read that our bodies are physiologically different due to the death and regeneration of cells. Neuronal pathways change based on changes in behaviors and thought patterns.
Relationships change in much the same way. This didn't dawn on me until about ten years into my relationship with my husband. Not only is he different and I'm different but our relationship is much different than it was when we were 21, 25, or even a few years ago. It's in a constant state of motion, dynamic and changing. Our communication is different. How we spend our time together. The things we talk about. How we argue, how we resolve conflict. The essence of it, which is impossible to describe within the limitations of human language, is different. Which...if he's a different person, and so am I, then it makes sense that our relationship would also be different. It's the most apparent with my significant other since we're a huge part of each other's lives, but you'll see traces of it in other relationships too, with family, friends, and children. Your environment and life stages also affect your relationships. The interplay of those two things are much different now then when I first started dating my husband.
Before I understood this, I worried that something was wrong or it might mean the end of a relationship. Change usually feels icky and uncomfortable, especially if I don't understand it or don't have control over it. But if I can at least acknowledge the change and accept its existence (accept does not mean liking it), it usually helps. If you need to mourn the parts that are no longer there, then do that. There are some aspects of our 21-year-old relationship that I miss. Even simple things like staying up until 4 am and going to Steak and Shake for an early breakfast was practical when I was in college and had evening classes, but now we work day jobs with a regular routine. I miss that and now my husband and I joke when we're still out (but yawning) at midnight.
"Losing" those things makes room for uncovering the new aspects of your relationship. We developed a new "tradition" of rotating restaurants we go to for brunch on some weekends. The key is adapting and accepting. This applies to deeper seated aspects of the relationship also. Some parts are "lost", but new parts are shiny and ready for you to discover.
How might this topic affect those who are engaged and those considering divorce? Or those going through a rough patch? I'm neither supporting or discouraging marriage or divorce. Would it give relief or might it scare those who are engaged? Would it affirm those in the process of divorce or make them second guess their decision?
Can you think of any relationships that are exactly the same as they were ten years ago? I know I can't.
