New Year Priorities

When I hear writers say that they can't imagine NOT writing, and that it would be starvation, anguish, and cruelty if they couldn't write, I have no concept of what they mean. I'm really good at NOT writing, a master really. I could easily go 20 years without writing. It's so much easier.

I find writing painful. As I'm typing, there's a litany of negative thoughts. I notice everything that's wrong about it. At the end of every sentence I come up gasping for air. Can I go another lap? The muscle is sore, unpracticed, practically useless. It would be much easier to quit now. I wave my flag of defeat and think, maybe I'm not really a writer. Would a writer find it excruciating to actually write??

Come to think of it, it's similar to my experience of running. A couple of years ago, I made a goal of running a 5k, and I was not a runner. I ran sprints for track when I was in middle school, but that was over 15 years ago. A 5k was new territory and I was not a practiced runner. My husband is a runner, one of those cross country phenomenons that I can't wrap my head around. Running 15 miles is fun??

My husband was my unspoken coach. He'd run with me and cheer me on when I ran one minute straight, then five minutes straight. At the beginning, one minute was torture. Achy legs, I couldn't breathe, and my mind screamed, stop, stop, it hurts too much, I can't go another step!

I'd been with my husband (then boyfriend) for 7 years, but I still wanted to impress him. Wanted to make him proud I guess.  I always ran further when he was with me because I was too embarrassed to quit after one minute when he knew full well I could run for five. No matter how much of a temper tantrum my mind was throwing or how much my lungs were gasping, I was going to do it! When I ran alone, I didn't do as well, especially at first. It was just as much of a mental struggle as a physical struggle. I had to learn to master my mental hurdles and the physical all fell into place.

Which brings me back to writing. Writing is a solitary activity. Joining a writer's group and having an accountability partner shouldn't be discounted, but it's still a solitary activity. The mental barriers are also there and I find it so much easier to stop after this sentence. I feel sore and weak and burnt out of my creativity. I don't write as well when I'm out of practice, and that's the part I need to remember. Everything takes practice, whether it's running, writing, or whatever your "thing" is. And many of those require passion, perseverance, and mental barriers that you have to brace for.

As I enter the new year, I refuse to make a New Years resolution. Life is evolving and I need to allow for flexibility. My goals may change day by day and that's okay. I would, however, like to re-prioritize where and how I spend my time and energy. After family, work, and everyday mundane tasks, I have only so much time left for me. So writing is something I'm going to put at the top of my priorities, keeping in mind that I need practice and with that comes some crappy writing. But at least I'm writing. I did by the way, eventually run that 5k.

Gluten

“Gluten is basically a poison”

My jaw dropped. This was an MD. Not a naturopathic doctor, not a health food speaker, or one of the many books I’ve been reading.

My regular doctor had referred me to a specialist- or so I thought. After over a year of endless testing and ruling out possibilities, she wanted me to see an Internal Medicine Doctor- someone that deals with chronic, difficult to diagnosis illnesses. Instead, I had accidentally been scheduled with another primary care doctor.  I was irritated, as I sat in the waiting room, but decided that since I was there and had taken time off work, I would see it through.

“Pretty much, nobody should be eating it,” She continued.

I’m convinced this was a fluke that God and the Universe orchestrated.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and yet it was one of those “yes, this is it” feel it in my bones and gut firecracker moments.

 My health has been a struggle the past couple of years. I’ve been coping with periods of immense fatigue and a variety of other symptoms. It comes and goes, some days worse than others. With the fatigue I have body aches, my mind is foggy, I feel bummed, and it’s a bit like having the flu, but without any vomiting, fever, etc. For a long time, I brushed it aside, chalking it up to being “in my head” and needing to “tough it out.” Then I attributed it to stress, which has been plentiful in the past couple years…between studying for a major licensing exam, to planning a wedding, and then our house burning down. Not to mention the daily stress of my job.

Vague symptoms are difficult. Nothing showed up on my labs. The body constantly adjusts to new norms so I didn’t realize how bad it was until my newlywed husband pointed it out. I was falling asleep at the wheel of the car on the way home from work, I’d take a 3 hour nap, drag myself out of bed to shower and eat, sleep 10 hours, wake up dead tired, go to work, and repeat the same thing another day, maybe two. This would happen to varying degrees every six weeks or so. The vague symptoms were more frequent although I don’t remember exactly how often because I always brushed it off. I had regular headaches, which I attributed to stress. Sometimes I’d have a faint rash around my neck and shoulders. Stress, I told myself.

I repeated blood lab work and nothing significant came through. My doctor ruled out various things. This past summer she said the labs showed that I might be “trending” towards Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, a form of hypothyroidism (low), but I didn’t actually have it to where I needed any thyroid supplement. I was later diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and like I said before, referred onward. Apparently gluten problems are thought to relate to IBS, migraines, miscarriages, depression, thyroid issues, and a host of other problems. The research is still in the beginning stages.

Over six weeks ago I sought out a naturopathic doctor who looked over my labs and spent (get this!) an HOUR AND A HALF with me! We covered everything. She advised that I take iron supplements because my iron was very low- bordering anemic, try a gluten free diet, take in more protein (60 grams), and we’ve been keeping in touch since then by emails and phone calls.

I don’t think I’m alone. Many people are fatigued, stressed, and overwhelmed, with various health complaints whether it’s constipation, headaches, chronic pain, the list is endless. Why are we so sick when we have such advanced technology and medicine? It’s complex since you have to consider each individual and the mind-body interplay of health. I’ve been on a mission to discover my own complexity.

I’m not saying that every malady can be blamed on gluten, but as my doctor explained, it’s under or mis-diagnosed. She told me I’m on the “upswing” of gluten awareness. I’ve been reading up on it, and it truly is a budding area, only in the beginning stages of research.  This doctor said that while there’s testing for Celiac Disease, the most severe form of the allergy, there’s nothing to test gluten intolerance or sensitivity. The only way is to remove it from you diet, and then you wait and see. 

Gluten is a protein found in wheat, and since it’s found naturally, I couldn’t quite understand why it causes so many problems. So I asked. The doctor said that it’s been so genetically modified over years that it’s making us sick. It’s also hidden in many different things like soup, dressings, processed foods, and even shampoos. I’ve read that the wheat protein we ingest today is drastically different than it was 100 years ago. I’ve also read up on the evolutionary thoughts about gluten. We weren’t designed to eat as many grains as we do. They were introduced 10,000 years ago, versus the longer span of time that we’ve been eating fruits, vegetables, nuts, and fish.

I wasn’t expecting this doctor to advise that I continue the gluten free diet that I’d already been on for about six weeks. It’s been a learning experience and complete lifestyle change. She gave me a vitamin B12 shot and explained how nutrient deprived we are (gluten problems can also lead to malabsorption of nutrients). She did a standard chest X ray that she does with all new patients. She advised that I start drinking green smoothies every other day. She didn’t prescribe any medications (maybe that’s why research has been so slow when it comes to gluten!).

Since I’ve been gluten free, I’ve been free of headaches, my digestive system has improved, and while the fatigue hasn’t disappeared completely, it’s definitely improved. I haven’t had any spells of immense fatigue.

I still have days where I doubt it all. I’ve made other healthy lifestyle changes at the same time as going gluten free, so I still wonder- what if that’s not it?  The doctor said that’s a common reaction. She’s seen people doubt that it’s really gluten, go on a gluten binge, and their symptoms return. They forget how horrible they used to feel. The diet experiment is key. I reintroduced gluten a couple weeks ago, and like my naturopathic doctor (different doctor) had suggested, I watched for my body’s reaction for 48 hours. Between 36 to 48 hours, I had headaches and fatigue. I’m going to do it again, just because, well, I’m a perfectionist and I want to see if I get the same reaction. There might also be a small part of me that doesn’t want to be gluten sensitive because it’s hard work and inconvenient.

I’m on a mission of health and balance. I even bought two magnets: “I want to stay healthy” and “I’m grounded and connected.” Many things make up who I am, and as a result, the writing I produce. Spirituality, mood, relationships, attitude, mental health, and physical health are all factors. The mind-body interplay won’t be ignored. Your body will speak, maybe in a foreign language, but it speaks. And I’m finally listening.

*Books you may find helpful: Clean , The Gluten Connection: How Gluten Sensitivity May Be Sabotaging Your Health, Whole Life Nutrition

*This post is based upon my experience and personal research. Feel free to use as an aide for your own self discovery. I don’t claim to be an expert. I’m learning and I encourage others to do the same whether it’s finding various doctors, dieticians, or doing your own research*

 

And the walls came tumbling down...

Two days after my last post (see April 22, 2012), our house burned down. As you can see, it's been over six months. I suppose most bloggers would have kept a close account while going through a tragedy, but it's not me. When chaos strikes, I'm consumed by it and work towards healing from it. My husband and I are starting to heal, we're getting back into a "normal" routine. A lot has changed. We've, well, obviously moved. We hadn't planned on moving on April 24th, but suddenly half of our belongings were crushed (bedroom collapsed into the living room), or damaged by water and smoke, and the remnants were in the lawn. Family and friends came with cars and trucks and helped load our belongings. For a couple of weeks, everybody cleaned and sorted. That smoke is TOXIC. Not campfire cozy smoke smell. It took five or more times to wash clothes, and some materials--well, they still smell like smoke after six months. We lived with family for a few months while we searched for a new home-- this time buying a house (yay!). During those months, the belongings we could save were divided between about four different households. Now everything is in our new home. We still have things to replace, but for the most part we are settled.

I miss writing, but I'm back now. I'm planning on getting back into my writer's group on a regular basis and going to their writer's conference next weekend. I will be getting back into writing my stories and poems.

We were fortunate. No one was hurt, we had tons of support, and we were able to save most of the irreplaceable things like photos, memorbilia from grandparents, and some of my writing. I could care less about losing my Ipod, but I still mourn losing half of my journals. I've kept journals since I was in second grade, and I lost most of the journals I kept as a young girl. A few flew out the window and one of the firemen brought them over to me (yes, we watched a good portion of when it was burning down). They were in rough condition, but you could still read them so I wiped off the debris and used a hair dryer to dry them off. They're still in a box with cedar chips to get rid of the smoke smell. (I'm quite savvy on fire clean-up now!)

It feels good to be back. Thank you for your patience!

An Open Mind

I just returned from a week long vacation in Florida that was very much needed. It made me acutely aware of how frazzled and stressed my mind has been. As I expected, it took me a day or two to allow my mind to relax. I slept A LOT that first day. I had no idea how exhausted I was. The second and third day I tried to write, but I couldn’t. My mind was tight and restless. No room for creativity to ebb and flow. I became aware of how fatigued and unhealthy my mind was, not just my body. I was frustrated. This is my chance to write and relax, I thought. Why can’t I do it?

My mind needed rest and relaxation. Healing. Space.

This was a new concept to me.

So I gave myself permission to not make any demands of my mind. To slowly unwind. To nourish it by absorbing nature. To sit in silence. And slowly that tape recorder voice of incessant thoughts, to-do lists, worries, and demands slowed down. Stop completely? No. But I didn’t expect that of myself.

I don’t know why, but whenever I go on vacation, I get a wider view lens of my life. I’m the big tree by the ant hill rather than the ant frantically building its sandy home. I get a quiver of excitement, suddenly seeing the changes I need (and want!) to make. Everything is so clear! There's something about that physical distance which seems to create an objectivity that I don’t normally have.

When I return home, sometimes I’m the ant who loses the vision, and gets sucked into the daily grind. Sometimes I make small changes in my life. Sometimes it takes several vacations before I make a change.

Before I lose my widened view, I want to share my personal insight. Nothing spectacular. It honestly is common sense, but like I’ve found with many logical ideas, it’s hard to implement in every day life.

If I want creativity to unleash, to write anything with beauty and awe, I need a rested open mind. It needs nourishment, not fast food. It needs sun and quiet and less technology. Less distractions. I can’t speak for all, but this is a sampling of the nourishment my mind needs. How do you nourish your mind? Could your mind be starved and stressed without your awareness?

I easily fall in the rut of a junk-filled cluttered mind of thoughts about work, worries, things that need to be done, text messages, constant advertising, Facebook, and mindless TV. It’s been so brimming full of garbage that the ground is barren. My mind needs fertile soil if any creativity is going to flourish.

If all I gain from my vacation is awareness, so be it. As much of a lover of fantasy, philosophy, and daydreams, I am a realist. Old habits are hard to break. But if I am more aware, then I am not a zombie lost in its own destruction.

Following the rules

I've always been the sort of person who took the tried and true path.
Study hard in school so you can get into college, I was told.
Check.
Study hard in college so you get a good job, they said.
Check.
Work hard at your job so, well, you keep it and further your career, I told myself.
In process.

I take life seriously. I try to follow my role models' advice. I listened to my mom when she told me to wear my hat in the winter. Ate my carrots.

I do X, Y, and Z, with the expectation that it will result in the alphabet.

Probably 90% of the time it works. I have a steady and reliable income. I have a roof over my head. I have friends.

I go to the doctor. I watch what I eat (most of the time). I go to yoga. You get what you put into it. Want to feel relaxed? I know the steps it takes to get there. Now I'm not trying to imply that I'm perfect, because of course, I'm not. I don't always take the right actions, but I pretty much know the HOW if I want to get there. The basic things in life anyways.

Do this, get that. Don't speed, you don't get a speeding ticket.

But a few observations:

1. It can make life a bit boring

2. I create the illusion that A will always result in B and life just isn't always like that, which leads to disappointment.

3. I'm not very spontaneous. The rare occasions I have been spontaneous, I've loved it. Which should tell me something.

So my point?
The tried and true path REALLY doesn't work with certain things.
Case in point: my writing.
I have been following a specific route, but I keep bonking my head against a concrete wall. I get an idea for a story, I start at the beginning, I write a handful of pages, and

I'm Bored.
I quit.
I'm stuck.

Then I get depressed...

Now sometimes you just have to plunge forward I've heard. And it may be partly because of my life long dear friend, Perfection. Can you hear my syrupy sarcasm?? Drip drip.

But- I really think I need to think "outside the box." Mix it up. Try something new. And realize, there's not a tried and true single way.

I've always thought linearly (is that a word? sounds strange in my head and as I'm muttering it in under my breath). You start with the beginning, go to the middle and finish at the end. But what if that's not going to result in the masterpiece that I dream about?

So I'm going to toy with it. Write a random scene. Start at the end. Free associate. Whatever it takes. I found a book called The Weekend Novelist that I'm hoping will help me with this. It has an exercise called "Writing down the page" that I found intriguing.

Luckily, I also have a creative side, and although, rusty, I haven't lost it. It's just a matter of giving little Miss Analytical-Logical a vacation.