New Year Priorities

When I hear writers say that they can't imagine NOT writing, and that it would be starvation, anguish, and cruelty if they couldn't write, I have no concept of what they mean. I'm really good at NOT writing, a master really. I could easily go 20 years without writing. It's so much easier.

I find writing painful. As I'm typing, there's a litany of negative thoughts. I notice everything that's wrong about it. At the end of every sentence I come up gasping for air. Can I go another lap? The muscle is sore, unpracticed, practically useless. It would be much easier to quit now. I wave my flag of defeat and think, maybe I'm not really a writer. Would a writer find it excruciating to actually write??

Come to think of it, it's similar to my experience of running. A couple of years ago, I made a goal of running a 5k, and I was not a runner. I ran sprints for track when I was in middle school, but that was over 15 years ago. A 5k was new territory and I was not a practiced runner. My husband is a runner, one of those cross country phenomenons that I can't wrap my head around. Running 15 miles is fun??

My husband was my unspoken coach. He'd run with me and cheer me on when I ran one minute straight, then five minutes straight. At the beginning, one minute was torture. Achy legs, I couldn't breathe, and my mind screamed, stop, stop, it hurts too much, I can't go another step!

I'd been with my husband (then boyfriend) for 7 years, but I still wanted to impress him. Wanted to make him proud I guess.  I always ran further when he was with me because I was too embarrassed to quit after one minute when he knew full well I could run for five. No matter how much of a temper tantrum my mind was throwing or how much my lungs were gasping, I was going to do it! When I ran alone, I didn't do as well, especially at first. It was just as much of a mental struggle as a physical struggle. I had to learn to master my mental hurdles and the physical all fell into place.

Which brings me back to writing. Writing is a solitary activity. Joining a writer's group and having an accountability partner shouldn't be discounted, but it's still a solitary activity. The mental barriers are also there and I find it so much easier to stop after this sentence. I feel sore and weak and burnt out of my creativity. I don't write as well when I'm out of practice, and that's the part I need to remember. Everything takes practice, whether it's running, writing, or whatever your "thing" is. And many of those require passion, perseverance, and mental barriers that you have to brace for.

As I enter the new year, I refuse to make a New Years resolution. Life is evolving and I need to allow for flexibility. My goals may change day by day and that's okay. I would, however, like to re-prioritize where and how I spend my time and energy. After family, work, and everyday mundane tasks, I have only so much time left for me. So writing is something I'm going to put at the top of my priorities, keeping in mind that I need practice and with that comes some crappy writing. But at least I'm writing. I did by the way, eventually run that 5k.