Following the rules

I've always been the sort of person who took the tried and true path.
Study hard in school so you can get into college, I was told.
Check.
Study hard in college so you get a good job, they said.
Check.
Work hard at your job so, well, you keep it and further your career, I told myself.
In process.

I take life seriously. I try to follow my role models' advice. I listened to my mom when she told me to wear my hat in the winter. Ate my carrots.

I do X, Y, and Z, with the expectation that it will result in the alphabet.

Probably 90% of the time it works. I have a steady and reliable income. I have a roof over my head. I have friends.

I go to the doctor. I watch what I eat (most of the time). I go to yoga. You get what you put into it. Want to feel relaxed? I know the steps it takes to get there. Now I'm not trying to imply that I'm perfect, because of course, I'm not. I don't always take the right actions, but I pretty much know the HOW if I want to get there. The basic things in life anyways.

Do this, get that. Don't speed, you don't get a speeding ticket.

But a few observations:

1. It can make life a bit boring

2. I create the illusion that A will always result in B and life just isn't always like that, which leads to disappointment.

3. I'm not very spontaneous. The rare occasions I have been spontaneous, I've loved it. Which should tell me something.

So my point?
The tried and true path REALLY doesn't work with certain things.
Case in point: my writing.
I have been following a specific route, but I keep bonking my head against a concrete wall. I get an idea for a story, I start at the beginning, I write a handful of pages, and

I'm Bored.
I quit.
I'm stuck.

Then I get depressed...

Now sometimes you just have to plunge forward I've heard. And it may be partly because of my life long dear friend, Perfection. Can you hear my syrupy sarcasm?? Drip drip.

But- I really think I need to think "outside the box." Mix it up. Try something new. And realize, there's not a tried and true single way.

I've always thought linearly (is that a word? sounds strange in my head and as I'm muttering it in under my breath). You start with the beginning, go to the middle and finish at the end. But what if that's not going to result in the masterpiece that I dream about?

So I'm going to toy with it. Write a random scene. Start at the end. Free associate. Whatever it takes. I found a book called The Weekend Novelist that I'm hoping will help me with this. It has an exercise called "Writing down the page" that I found intriguing.

Luckily, I also have a creative side, and although, rusty, I haven't lost it. It's just a matter of giving little Miss Analytical-Logical a vacation.

Illusion of Balance

I was reading out of my daily meditation book, when I came across something fitting. Ever had that where something you read, see, or even over hear in a conversation was exactly what you needed? It seems the Universe, God, Life has a way of making that happen.

I've always been a strong believer of balance. It's been my life goal. Thinking, if I achieve balance, I achieve happiness. This goal has been ever so frustrating though because as soon as I find balance in one area (say, nutrition or food in general), it's suddenly lacking in another (suddenly I'm not exercising). I exert so much energy in doing one thing So Perfectly, that something else is completely thrown off, and I find myself quite irritable because I simply haven't found balance in (enough) time with friends or family. Then I eat a whole chocolate cake and my eating is subsequently thrown out of wack. (I am craving chocolate today for some reason!)

So I'm on this treadmill of perfection. I tread daily. I believe It exists. If I try hard enough. Sweat through it. Run enough miles, so to speak, I'll find the mecca of Balance.

I try, I fail. Rinse and Repeat. (Rinse as in start all over!)

So discouraging! Have you been there? Felt that irritation with yourself? Why can't I get it right? The online article about how I should be eating all organic food is stuck in my mind. Then there's the commercial about Depression. Depression Hurts. Better balance my mental health too. And some TV talk show expert says to avoid the harmful chemicals in counter top cleaners. Note to self: stop at the health store. And my therapist's recommendations about how to keep up healthy relationships- how to fight fair. Blown that a few times. As a self help junkie I find myself bombarded with it constantly.

Then I fail again. Or so it feels.

So when I read my daily devotional, it reached out and smacked me, in a friendly way, on the forehead.

I couldn't find the exact quote from my meditation book, so I'll sum it up. Constant balance is not the natural way of things. The world is in constant flux however. The pendulum swings one way, but then later finds middle ground again. There will be periods of imbalance because that's the way this life and our world works. So instead of fighting it, I'm working on accepting those times when I just feel "ick" and out of sorts. When I have days where nothing "goes right" or when I don't get enough sleep. Times when a relationship is rocky. It's going to happen. It's just a matter of acceptance.

Creature of Nonperfection

I've been brainstorming, and I'm fascinated by the way this story is taking shape. It keeps changing form, flexible, not quite pinnned down. Some sort of oblong ghost-like creature, not fully visible yet. But I'm learning that's okay. Letting go of perfection is difficult. Change is also difficult. Allowing myself to change the characters and settings is completely foreign to me. I used to give up when I felt one aspect wasn't Perfect. But that never got me anywhere. I'm also allowing myself to flow freely. I have some guidelines and goals, but I don't beat myself up if I don't get much written for a few days. Although I do try to spend a little time everyday daydreaming about the story, and I make mental notes of what I want to change or add.

When I remove the pressure and perfection, I find that I'm much more productive. I wonder how else I could apply that to my life?