To my unborn daughter

I love her innocence. Her kicks that are simply kicks, with no other purpose or motivation. She is not plagued by a mind yet with worries or stress or fear of judgment. She purely is. She may be aware. She tastes amniotic fluid. She experiences hiccups, but does not resist or get upset by having her third round of hiccups in a day. She floats. She experiments by touching her face and the cord. She explores her small environment. She is content. Or at least I hope and imagine she is content. She does not worry whether she will grow correctly. She just grows. She is dependent upon me wholly and trusts me, although she may not even be aware of this. She doesn't stress about whether I will eat enough or refrain from toxic substances.

 Her life form is entirely dependent upon my sustenance and the perpetual motion of Life Force, that which gives her life. The invisible. God. Life energy. Creation. And yet she is not, because her soul IS her and her soul is not dependent upon me or any earthly force. However, the development of her body, which she needs to experience a life on this earth, is to a certain extent dependent upon her mother, me.

There is so much I can learn from her. Perhaps I should mimic her way of life. Join her in simply being. Be content. Be free of worries. Experience the present. Or at the very least I can enjoy her Way. It gives me peace knowing a being such as this resides in me and is a part of me. I treasure her presence, having her with me everywhere I go.

I know this is temporary, an experience gift from God, and so I take the time to adore the moment. To sit in silence with my hand on my belly and tune into her ever changing and growing movements. To focus solely on her and this experience of her within me. To send her love and give her praise and encouragement, not that she needs it but because I love her. And sustaining her to the best of my ability physically and mentally.

I dream about my future relationship with her, getting to know everything about this soul who has chosen me to be her mother, and I savor this time with her even more. That one day  when she is a grown woman, I can look at her and fondly remember when my bond was just budding for her. I have several close relationships with other souls on earth and those who have passed away, but I was not aware until now of yet another who is coming to earth to be my daughter. I am eager and excited to meet a soul mate this way.

Our Baby

I love to create with words. It's natural and second nature to me. As humans we are all creators. You don't have to be artistic to be a co-creator with God. We are created in his/her image and there's no doubt God is the ultimate creator.

We create every day without realizing it. The thoughts and interpretations we spin on how we view events. The words we choose to articulate ourselves to another. We are dynamic innovative creatures. We create mud castles at the beach and new theories in physics. We create new ways of tackling a relationship problem and new ways of reaching a troubled child. To survive we must create.

My body creates new cells to heal a wound. I don't know how, it's mystifying. It doesn't involve any conscious thinking. It just happens. I repeatedly create another heart beat so that I can continue my life. I don't over think it. I don't think about it at all. Unconsciously my body and soul does this in joint effort.

This is also happening in my womb. I don't think through the steps. But somehow through the unconscious effort of  intertwined DNA, my incubating body, this new soul, God, and spirituality, a human is being created inside of me.

I realize I'm not the first pregnant woman and I don't plan to act like it. However, my experience is unique and since I love to create with words, it's how I will share some of my evolving thoughts as I go through my first pregnancy. I've also started a pregnancy journal, written to our baby.

I never fully understood this idea of being a co-creator with God until now. I feel a profound gratitude that God allows my husband and I to have such an intimate contribution to God's creation. While I still view God as the creator of the soul and spirit that will inhabit this person, I am awed and honored to have such a role (and responsibility) in creating this baby's body. And then of course in guiding this little person through life. I am also awed by the idea of this person being a combination of my husband and myself. While I've always known this logically, I've never experienced it. My husband put it well. He said this baby is a culmination of not just our physiology, but of our 11 year relationship. The sweat and tears and love and joys we've put into this ever evolving imperfect but beautiful and genuine relationship.

The week that the heart started beating, I longed to know exactly when that very first beat began. I was struck with how this commencing heart would beat years beyond my own, as if it gave me glimpse into those unknown decades that my own eyes will never see.

We've decided to not tell anyone until I'm further along. My husband and I are private people and we want to keep some of this process special and private for us. As I write this, I'm almost 7 weeks and I enjoy having this little secret. I go to the store and none of the strangers know. I go to work, I see people I know, and no one knows about this tiny but growing secret. Half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry and yet so many parts are actively forming within this tiny being, even the lens of the eyes! How is this possible? I'm not even trying or consciously doing anything!

This is another eye-opening thing for me. My natural tendency, especially when I'm stressed is to over think and worry. After doing this for 32 years, I've somehow convinced myself that this works (although it really doesn't) and so I keep doing it. For some reason I think if I use my mind hard enough, I will come up with the perfect solution and everything will work out. When I was sitting in silence and meditating today with others, I became more aware of how much I do this, and how ineffective it is. And much like how my heart beats without conscious demand, this baby is plunging right along, with the help of its DNA, my body, life energy, and God. Without me having to use my mind. At all.

Do i still worry? Of course. My worry has ramped up the last few weeks.  Google searches are a pregnant woman's worst enemy. I worry about whether I'm doing the right things, if the baby is okay, if anything is wrong. My mind is trying to do its half-crazed thing, but I'm certain it's not helping. Trusting the unconscious, the unseen, the unknown, is hard for a person like me. I've revered my thinking mind like the western world reveres its scientists. But the mind and the visible has its limitations.

Somehow this little person is still growing by means of these other forces. I'm in awe of this experience and know that this human is not just coming as a child for me to guide, but that this soul is coming to have a relationship with my husband and I, and has many things to teach the two of us.

A short story about this Violet:

I spent well over a year trying to get this violet to re-bloom. I re-potted it several months ago and still nothing happened. I'd almost given up. Soon after I found out I was pregnant, this single bloom appeared and it brought me joy!